I did not know how bad my eating disorder really was. I've been like this since I was 12 when people were trying to teach me better table manners. I often ate too fast and took more than my share. I was always hungry. I felt so bad about myself that I thought they were telling me to eat less food. I thought I was fat because I had a big butt. I felt like I could not listen to myself. I was invalidated as a small child and was having trouble trusting my intuition. My parents were great I just could not beat societal pressure that invalidates children every day.
At first it started with diets and trying to be healthy. Then it turned into something else.
I was so hungry on my diet that I over ate and then purged. This lasted for a long time, until I was 24. Later, after the esphagectomy I had to make myself throw up when food got stuck.
